stream of consciousness

like so much else, it sits in ruin
moss green velvet back covered in muck
slime and filth
deep walnut stained brown from the waters i did not want
nor invite
yet they came
in a rush
they would not be held back
to steal and destroy
memories of my childhood
and of yesterday alike

things i did not want are ruined too
a flood of blessing as it comes so often
yet without opening one's heart
it only seems tragedy

i mourn on some level for that which is lost
that which i may not remember without the token
yet my grandfather's chair, i will repair
broken though it may be
I have washed it
and eventually it will dry
i will drill and reglue it
polish the raised grain

moss velvet i may never find to replace what is there
but it does not matter for my life
in transition has been robbed of much past
cast off by the universe if i could not manage it myself

there is still much mud and cardboard
mixed with memories
i should be desolate
but i am not
still it hurts to be reminded
that in an instant one's past can be wiped out
and though i have longed for just this occasion
when it comes, suddenly, in a raging torrent
that pushes in doors and sweeps everything
already in disarray
into a state of utter decay
i wonder why it took so long for me to see
i need not these things to which i might otherwise cling

my life lies elsewhere
even the rains know this
and honor me with their torrential pouring
as these parts have never seen before
at least not in my lifetime

during the rain i plucked a girl from a van
as my basement was filling with water
nothing to be done
and i could have easily been electrocuted
had i wandered in to save these things
she, not knowing where to turn,
had tried to cross the creek that runs behind my house
foolish thing
and waved off turned into the creek itself
raging
waves and rapids crossing the roadway
her tire dropped in and the car teetered on the brink
she sat on her cell phone as the water pounded the window

when i opened the back door, the weight made the car bob
but the back wheel still remained off the ground
i told her to slowly come to me if she wanted to live
shaken, she did not ask questions but obeyed
without her weight in the front, the car settled back
towards the ground and was not completely lost.

I filmed to document the night. posterity i assume
Closing my eyes later i watched waters rushing beneath my eyelids
and now, two days later i am still cleaning
carrying buckets of papers and memories
occasionally finding treasures which i try to preserve
a bit of writing, a song or a picture of someone i don't even know
a sheep standing in a bus stop on the north coast of Scotland
with a sign over it's head proclaiming the highland regional council

i remember the sight well,
i threw the car in reverse and backed up quite a ways on a single track road
i love single track roads
with their curves and pulloffs so that oncoming traffic can pass
ah yes, these are the memories i try to hold
with knicknacks and pictures
to remind myself of moments of pleasure
amidst a life with so much effort

a life i did not think i would have
certainly not what i planned
or did i plan at all
could i plan life and actually think
that in this world of floods
of so many things which i would call tragedy
or even chance
that i could coerce nature into doing my bidding

is it arrogance to think that i have any control at all
mind you i can make choices,
and for these i can answer or reap reward
but in the end
it is not my choice
but the blowing of the wind that calls me forward
or pushes me hither
it is the waters which take
or give life in turn
it is birth
it is death
it is a smile on the lips of a passerby
who cares not
who understands nothing of my life
but who spreads cheer without knowing

to the muck i must return
salvage what remains
count my blessings as a fortunate one
who has not lost all
find a bit of compassion for those who have
my tragedy as it were is not so great
and these things are not life itself
which i live with abundance
and often, in the arms of my love

Tomorrow the sun will not shine
nor the day after
for ten more days the rain will fall
but the worst
surely the worst is over

soon i will be done with all of these memories
and i will replace them with those that i will make tomorrow
with travels and beauty
with sorrows i am sure
but before i grow old and wither
die
i will live
in fullness, in beauty
in all that love affords me
in the companionship that i have been granted
as we grow old together, my love and me

memories and sorrow cast off
stolen as it were by nature
rejoice in my world of beauty
and pour through the debris
hose in hand to wash away the dirt
count my memory as blessing
remember that in all things
i am always cared for
even when i don't really like it
and go on
moment by moment
box by soggy box
cast off yesterday
and breath in the abundant life
that i have been granted
which offers me so much beauty
more than i had known existed in this world

truth be told, i need nothing for happiness
and often the things which i have, or had
hang about my neck as a millstone
how can i possibly run as i desire
and feel the grass under my feet
when i carry such weight
weight which i freely took on over the years
without realizing what a burden i was building
and for years, as i have struggled to extricate myself
from the mire of living in the midst of trinkets
and stacks of paper
of walls which must be painted
and roofs which must be patched
i have been made aware
and now, blessed with 3 feet of water
decisions made without my help
much that i would have struggled over
is being discarded without remorse
or at least much remorse
surely there's no remorse, right?
too many thoughts
too much consideration
more work to be done
so i climb back down the stairs
and begin again