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September 2009 
I will dream dreams
Posted on Mar 2nd, 2007
by 
Donan
Donan
The notion of living in the present--not in the past, or even in the future, but living to the fullest right now--can bring a very high sense of peace and stillness in the mind. Today I pondered the past month and sort of took a review of my recent impact on my surroundings. You can tell by the scarcity of my posts that I did little of anything in February, much less anything grand.
My upbringing and education was all geared for me to make a maximum impact on the world. To live my life continually such that if I had not been the world would have felt that it was lacking whatever I had offered this day. Having been so fatigued for so long, I found myself thinking that had I not existed today, it would not have really made a difference to anyone. It is true that my past efforts saved a few gallons of oil today and gave means of employment to a large group of people, but what I accomplished today did little to make the world a better place on a very grand scale. I thought about how much I would rather be doing something grand right now. It would be nice to feed the world, or wipe out a disease that troubles millions…but until a few minutes ago I thought that I had done nothing important to anyone today…a point of fact, it seemed to me that I had done little of import in weeks and I felt hollow.
In this lesson of life I have finally accepted that sometimes the most important thing that we can do for others is to spend time in personal recovery. It’s hard for someone like me--reared to be invincible—to cease function for a while, to be human. It easily sounds selfish, but the global good that I did in the month of February was to sleep more than a cat, to reduce all external efforts to the bare minimum and to simply concentrate on healing my own body and mind. I delegated things at work as much as possible and a few projects suffered for it which is unfortunate, but the bigger picture is that the world may just be a better place for the dreams that I will dream tomorrow because I bowed to my body and made myself worth less for a little while. So I did at least one thing of value today; I lived to thrive another day…and to dream of a better tomorrow. The past has been accomplished. The moment is full of life, of death, of hunger, of fullness. Somewhere, hope is born this moment. And somewhere, while the world cries for its suffering, someone, in this moment, is dreaming.
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Gandhi spins yarn and walks, Donan sleeps. In the spectrum of planetary needs everything has its place. I believe that part of growth requires the necessity to transcend , not discard, the pull of the family matrix. Simply put, Donan, don't be so hard on yourself, be yourself and whatever you know that to mean. I think that is enough. You are not Data. Sleep is vital. And in that state you are not worth less, worthless. Who you are and the impact you have on the world, mundane or magnificent, will continue to resonate, continue to ripple outward, even as you sleep. Someone said, “in dreams begins responsibiities.” Many great ideas and concepts, many wonderful poems have come to it's author as if in a dream. It's the old drop of water in the ocean thing. You're a good person Donan. Your kindness alone is enough. Ron
Lovely post, Donan. Lovely comment, Ron.
Yes indeed, your kindness, dear Donan, is enough, more than enough.
Thanks Ron for your kind words. Really only the last paragraph is important…the rest are background. Perhaps my intent got a little lost in my writing style–sort of underscores my post last week about understanding and language–and i'm sure that you are right about my being hard on myself. i do expect a lot.
I've had pneumonia before, but it never hit me quite so hard ( i even once sang an opera with pneumonia-fortunatley my charachter, a pharmacist, was supposed to cough a lot). I was almost completely shut down. Cat's sleep, on average, 16 hours a day; I did not get much done in February. Still, i don't think i was worthless–“worth less” is an important distinction to me. My self esteem, for what it is worth ;-), is intact.
I also agree with you about the value of sleep. I have done some of my best work (invention and complex problem solving) while asleep. i can't tell you how many times i have woken in the middle of the night and ran to pick up paper and pen to sketch something radically different from what existed. One such 3am invention showed up on the food channel in December…the prototype still working 7 years after and I did not even know that it was still in use.
And last, I agree that it is enough. Simply put; Be and the shape of the world changes. If we can find a little love and compassion along the way, I believe that shape is more beautiful.
It would have made a difference to me.
We tend measure things (especially our personal impact) as big or little, but all is made of little creations (and dreams) in each moment.
(p.s. nice words, Ron)
“If you do not hear from me so frequently as you might, it is because i can neither write to you, nor read your letters, without falling into grief greater than i am able to support: for though I am at all times indeed completely miserable, yet I feel my misfortunes with a particular sensibility upon those tender occasions.
“Oh! that I had been more indifferent to life! Our days would then have been, if not wholly unaquainted with sorrow, yet by no means thus wretched.”
Cicero, in exile, to Terentia
I missed your posts. All of us working together help the world to continue in its beauty.