like so much else, it sits in ruin
moss green velvet back covered in muck
slime and filth
deep walnut stained brown from the waters i did not want
nor invite
yet they came
in a rush
they would not be held back
to steal and destroy
memories of my childhood
and of yesterday alike

things i did not want are ruined too
a flood of blessing as it comes so often
yet without opening one's heart
it only seems tragedy

i mourn on some level for that which is lost
that which i may not remember without the token
yet my grandfather's chair, i will repair
broken though it may be
I have washed it
and eventually it will dry
i will drill and reglue it
polish the raised grain

moss velvet i may never find to replace what is there
but it does not matter for my life
in transition has been robbed of much past
cast off by the universe if i could not manage it myself

there is still much mud and cardboard
mixed with memories
i should be desolate
but i am not
still it hurts to be reminded
that in an instant one's past can be wiped out
and though i have longed for just this occasion
when it comes, suddenly, in a raging torrent
that pushes in doors and sweeps everything
already in disarray
into a state of utter decay
i wonder why it took so long for me to see
i need not these things to which i might otherwise cling

my life lies elsewhere
even the rains know this
and honor me with their torrential pouring
as these parts have never seen before
at least not in my lifetime

during the rain i plucked a girl from a van
as my basement was filling with water
nothing to be done
and i could have easily been electrocuted
had i wandered in to save these things
she, not knowing where to turn,
had tried to cross the creek that runs behind my house
foolish thing
and waved off turned into the creek itself
raging
waves and rapids crossing the roadway
her tire dropped in and the car teetered on the brink
she sat on her cell phone as the water pounded the window

when i opened the back door, the weight made the car bob
but the back wheel still remained off the ground
i told her to slowly come to me if she wanted to live
shaken, she did not ask questions but obeyed
without her weight in the front, the car settled back
towards the ground and was not completely lost.

I filmed to document the night. posterity i assume
Closing my eyes later i watched waters rushing beneath my eyelids
and now, two days later i am still cleaning
carrying buckets of papers and memories
occasionally finding treasures which i try to preserve
a bit of writing, a song or a picture of someone i don't even know
a sheep standing in a bus stop on the north coast of Scotland
with a sign over it's head proclaiming the highland regional council

i remember the sight well,
i threw the car in reverse and backed up quite a ways on a single track road
i love single track roads
with their curves and pulloffs so that oncoming traffic can pass
ah yes, these are the memories i try to hold
with knicknacks and pictures
to remind myself of moments of pleasure
amidst a life with so much effort

a life i did not think i would have
certainly not what i planned
or did i plan at all
could i plan life and actually think
that in this world of floods
of so many things which i would call tragedy
or even chance
that i could coerce nature into doing my bidding

is it arrogance to think that i have any control at all
mind you i can make choices,
and for these i can answer or reap reward
but in the end
it is not my choice
but the blowing of the wind that calls me forward
or pushes me hither
it is the waters which take
or give life in turn
it is birth
it is death
it is a smile on the lips of a passerby
who cares not
who understands nothing of my life
but who spreads cheer without knowing

to the muck i must return
salvage what remains
count my blessings as a fortunate one
who has not lost all
find a bit of compassion for those who have
my tragedy as it were is not so great
and these things are not life itself
which i live with abundance
and often, in the arms of my love

Tomorrow the sun will not shine
nor the day after
for ten more days the rain will fall
but the worst
surely the worst is over

soon i will be done with all of these memories
and i will replace them with those that i will make tomorrow
with travels and beauty
with sorrows i am sure
but before i grow old and wither
die
i will live
in fullness, in beauty
in all that love affords me
in the companionship that i have been granted
as we grow old together, my love and me

memories and sorrow cast off
stolen as it were by nature
rejoice in my world of beauty
and pour through the debris
hose in hand to wash away the dirt
count my memory as blessing
remember that in all things
i am always cared for
even when i don't really like it
and go on
moment by moment
box by soggy box
cast off yesterday
and breath in the abundant life
that i have been granted
which offers me so much beauty
more than i had known existed in this world

truth be told, i need nothing for happiness
and often the things which i have, or had
hang about my neck as a millstone
how can i possibly run as i desire
and feel the grass under my feet
when i carry such weight
weight which i freely took on over the years
without realizing what a burden i was building
and for years, as i have struggled to extricate myself
from the mire of living in the midst of trinkets
and stacks of paper
of walls which must be painted
and roofs which must be patched
i have been made aware
and now, blessed with 3 feet of water
decisions made without my help
much that i would have struggled over
is being discarded without remorse
or at least much remorse
surely there's no remorse, right?
too many thoughts
too much consideration
more work to be done
so i climb back down the stairs
and begin again

Four years ago I wrote an author who had mentioned my Aunt Charlotte and a yodel she had learned as a child in the Congo. The yodel was incorporated into a peice of classical music and recorded in the early 70's; rereleased apparently in 1998.

The author wrote back to me today wanting to get in touch with my aunt and ask her a few questions so i forwarded the email to her this morning.

"I will contact this guy.  It is strange that this should come today because on Saturday I am flying out to see Eleanor...who wrote the piece the features the African yodel.  She is dying of cancer and I want to see her one last time.  I will tell her about his inquiry."

so that's was her reply to me.

Serendipity most would say, perhaps I too. Eleanor gets to hear that total strangers care about her work, still. And that will come from a very old friend. And this from an initial contact of four years ago with nothing since.

I love the way things work sometimes
nothing until the time comes
and then all at once something happens,
out of the blue as it were,
springing from seeds of the past
or sometimes from thin air
and the world shows that it remembers us
and perhaps even cares

and in all things, somehow, i cannot help but feel blessed.

Cheers,
Donan

I did not realize
how heavily the clouds
did weigh upon my heart
until rain fell--

Loudly it pounded
all night
amid thunder's song
and lightning's flash.

This morning i woke
to the sound of birds,
the smell of orange blossom
wafting on wet air,
pink cherry,
dogwood,
the beauty of a world
in balance,
and, for the first time
in a long while,
with my eyes open enough
to see it

It is winter
The cold rain has driven
All colour from the trees
Iced branches snap
Crash to the ground
Jagged stubbs remain

The darkening sky
Cries warning
All is vanquished
Bleak, forgotten

Those broken branches
Crackling heat of yesterdays growth
Were never so much tragedy
As might have seemed
A soft fire glows in my hearth

I am warm
I am contented
I am home

As you well know, our economy is in serious trouble. I just dropped the following off to my congressman's office along with a personal note; if you agree with me, please send this to your representative or direct your congressman or senator here-make sure you put your contact info on it in case your representative wants to speak with you about your opinion (it happens) :

Dear Congressman/Senator...

Agreeing that something must be done, i suggest that the bailout most beneficial to all Americans and to our economy would be a bailout for troubled homeowners rather than a blind bailout for financial institutions. This will stabilize the markets faster than the proposed $700 billion blank check. Rarely has government ever used funds wisely, particularly when there is no definite plan for usage--we should not expect that to change when times are dire. We need to institute a real solution. I believe we can, but only with your help and the strong leadership we sought when you were elected.

This first notion will be nothing new to you, but it strikes me as tragic that the plan passed a few months ago, The HOPE for Homeowners Act of 2008*, which, with $300 billion in funding, encouraged banks to mitigate their exposure in difficult mortgage instruments with minimal write-down has not been adopted by the very financial institutions now requiring bailout.

The market for Mortgage Backed Securities (MBS) is dead because no one actually knows what is inside some of those MBS's and no institution wants to buy a 21st century junk bond...In a moral failure, institutions would rather have the government buy the MBS's blindly than reveal what they actually are and write down the losses...it is lower corporate risk for the boards to hold out for a free-ticket bailout without actually figuring out what is inside these devalued securities. The MBS market will not turn until the MBS model has been purged of its inflated valuations.

The rules and rationale which a lender's Loss Mitigation Departments use are designed to try and keep as much as possible for the banks and thereby prop up MBS values--this is shortsighted and self-defeating. Institutions must look at the packages they have securitized and determine which loans in the package are in difficulty. Those loans should be cleaned and written down as dictated by a modified, mandatory version of the FHA backed HOPE plan. This will impact stock prices, no doubt, and it will not be as instant as a blind governmental buyout, but it will be much fairer to the taxpayer and it will restore liquidity to the market while telling business that government will not reward poor practice.

A swift law which forces the immediate reevaluation of notes prior to foreclosure, within the confines of that plan (or expanded as I will explain below), rather than leaving the write-downs an option to the institutions, in order that/before they might obtain any favorable governmental purchase of those instruments, should be written. With this law in place these same instruments, which have low value due to increased risk, can be made less risky by repackaging, even if the write-downs are roughly 30% of value.

Rationale: If 10 to 20% of all mortgages are in trouble and those mortgages are 30% over home value by today's market standards, a 12 trillion homes market size at 15% in foreclosure or danger of the same is $1.8 trillion. If the average property value has declined 30%, that decline amounts to $360 billion or roughly half what is being requested for the bailout.

If we recognize that there are many homes in the nation whose owners are in trouble but who have thus far managed to remain current we could potentially increase the jeopardy to the $700 billion mark. This should amount to a total bailout of the banking system.

[Aside: The U.S. stock market still has roughly the same absolute value it had a month ago when it was trading substantially up from where it is today. The price, or perceived value, has markedly shifted. This is a temporary thing and like all markets, will correct appropriately once the current panic has subsided. We must recognize that the goal of any plan should not be to preserve market value for the financial institutions or, regrettably, even the retirement incomes of those who have seen such amazing returns for the last 15 years--throughout most of this bubble--now eroded. Record reported profits on buried risk has inflated institutional stock prices and brought excessively large bonuses to individuals who were unscrupulous in their efforts: this activity must not be rewarded--the boards and even the unfortunate stockholders of these institutions should not have their portfolios buoyed at the expense of our children's future spending potential (higher taxes=less disposable income).]

Now, if we take the above troubled institutions and force them to utilize their loss mitigation departments to swiftly restructure securitized debt according to the 90% market appraisal plan guaranteed FHA offer we find that the bailout is accomplished at an overall lower cost to taxpayers, mind you, without the happy swift “here's a bunch of cash for your bad loans” for which the boards have been holding out, BUT it solves several major problems...

1) The continued and rapid erosion of the housing market due to increased short sales and foreclosure sales is abbreviated.

2) Liquidity of troubled financial institutions is bolstered with the FHA guaranteed loans and the assurance of promised cash into the system. Forcing the institutions which hold notes to clean up their portfolio packages will create a real market for government-backed securities. Cleaned securities will have proper valuation with known risks. This does not preserve institutional profits but it does preserve the institutions themselves--their perceived value will bounce back as they return to profitability via sound fiscal policies. A side benefit is that without a semi-"free ticket" bailout, such future activities will be highly curtailed by the institutions themselves whether or not legislation such as Greenspan has suggested since the early 90's forces policies which minimize risk and conserve depositor's trust (FHFA will do much good here as well).

3) Troubled homeowners are bailed out rather than the institutions which gave them risky loans. This seems perhaps still a bit unfair to the average taxpayer who is not losing their home, but with another depressed value home kept off of the market when it would have been rendered vacant with foreclosure, Item No. 1 comes into play and benefits all homeowners with increased market valuation (as opposed with another below market sale). This creates a self-mitigating bailout which not only benefits troubled mortgagees but the owners of all homes as the market recovers.

4) By repackaging the loans via a modified HOPE plan, the value of mortgages will actually increase because a large part of the value of the loan is the risk factor calculated as a function of the likelihood of default. Making an unaffordable mortgage affordable reduces the note’s inherent risk of default to a traditionally low level thereby decreasing the risk multiplier for the security.

5) The profit share for the FHA in the existing plan greatly minimizes the people's risk of loss.

6) Public fear that the banking system will collapse can be alleviated by the clear statement of a plausible government-backed, government-mandated solution which preserves the institutions’ stability/liquidity while reducing long term risks to the taxpayers. Add the opinion of someone with credibility such as Greenspan, should he agree with this, and the fear and uncertainty in the market could be somewhat allayed as well.

7) Expansion of the existing plan to include secondary residences will further cut market loss and though it would seemingly add a level of unfairness as perception is that only the wealthy own second homes, it should be realized that a second home is not necessarily an indication of wealth and often is not.

Why should the plan be expanded?

Real-World Example No. 1: A couple who have been transferred to another city. She is a state director for a non-profit agency. He works for Unum and has been allowed to continue his employment in Ohio where they rent while they wait to sell their existing home. Their vacant home has been on the market for 8 months. They are making payments on their vacant house, are never late, and are finding themselves deeper and deeper in debt. The for sale sign notes that the house is also for lease. They cannot sell the house for less than the listed price because they simply do not have the money to pay the bank if they sell it for less than what is owed--the market absolutely won't support this and if something does not happen soon, the house could go into foreclosure and the bank will take a loss and this good family’s credit will be ruined.

Real-World Example No. 2: A single mother who works as a secretary. She has exceptional credit. No late payments ever on her mortgage...an identical house across the street just sold short for $35,000 less than what she owes. In the divorce trial earlier this year ending her 20 year marriage, she asked the judge not to award her the marital residence. The judge awarded her the house anyway and left her a budget shortfall of more than $500 a month. She has cut her expenses massively, selling her newer car and purchasing an older car which gets lower mileage, and making any other budget cut she can muster. Even with this, she still must put $200-300 every month on a credit card which is quickly filling up—additionally, the father of the children is in arrears on child support and alimony. To date she has never been late on a payment--consequently the bank will not talk to her. Proactively mitigating the chance that her children would be homeless, this single mother purchased a smaller house which needed considerable repair knowing that she would soon lose her existing home if she did not rent it for at least her payment. Downsizing and renting out the family home seemed the only way to save her credit and keep a roof over head. With the initial leasing plans fallen through she has had an offer to rent for $200 less per month than the interest-only loan payment and cannot make up the difference. A realtor friend is trying to help but the house has not yet rented.

Neither of these situations is solved with the existing plan, nor is the problem of true second homes owned by middle class people who placed their retirement funds into real estate. Admittedly those retirement funds were paid to the tier up the pyramid who actually sold before pricing plummeted, but those homes do not necessarily need to go on the market, and those people could have the opportunity to recover half of their retirement nest-egg when the market recovers. If they lose the homes, the markets will continue to erode and the almost bankrupt Social Security system will be their only social safety net.

Please take these ideas into serious consideration as you work on the Economic Recovery Package currently in Congress. To keep struggling homeowners off the streets and to save the United States taxpayers’ hard earned dollars, I ask that you weigh in directly with the above suggestions and demand that the best workable solution is attained. A strict “bailout” is a short term, short-sighted answer, but a true Economic Recovery Solution will protect the American people and bolster the economy. Please speak out as my representative to forge a working solution for working Americans everywhere.

Sincerely Yours,

I am not so certain that any choice we make really matters all that much, unless that choice is one of conscience. If the choice is one of conscience and we go against that which we know to be right we upset the balance of our psyche and feed the dark and broken parts until they consume our identity, energy and spirit. But if the choice is mundane-- what shall i eat for breakfast? What should i do with my life? In the large scheme of things, does it make that much difference?

Most people will see breakfast versus major life decisions as being vastly separate, but i am not so sure there is any major upset in the world because one decides to be a bar tender, a truck driver or a physician. This of course assumes that each profession does not compromise the conscience of the chooser. If i wake up and wear blue, it may change the world on this day, but had i worn red would not someone else have worn blue?

Balances and imbalances will exist despite our efforts one way or the other. This is not to say we should not strive; striving is the path of life. However, when one struggles with choices which are irrelevant as if they are life or death, all that is accomplished is a focus on minutia which rob us of true choices, balance, our happiness, the moment, and if we are not careful, life.

If we turn towards self when faced with choice of conscious, ignoring higher truths around us, we will not live in peace for we will have not sought to make the right choice, only the right choice for ourselves. Were truth mutable by perception this would not be such a bad thing, but though we may influence our perception of reality and thus popularly participate in its creation, we are only participating in the creation of our perception of what is out there and not in the creation of what actually is out there.

I laid in bed last night as the diesel rumbled and the remembered sound of crunching metal mixed with flashing red and blue and occasional shouts for this or that. Flashlights frantically searched the nearby yards for any sign of survivors. It was a bad night for all. Worse for others and the day still found workmen cleaning up the aftermath.

I heard it happen and went out to see what could be done. i did not notice the missing signs. i did not find the car nor the bodies which mysteriously hid from me. I wasn't even sure that it was a crash. There was no breaking glass in that horrifically loud crunch. No squeal of tire. It was 3:54. I was outside and still needed to get dressed. The night was silent and nothing seemed out of place. Must have been somewhere else, I thought almost out loud. I went back inside.

The fire department is just a few blocks down the road. They must have heard it too and rolled a fire engine. I don't know why i did not find it first. I think there was nothing to be done. A paramedic called out for a bag and i crawled back to bed.

I was talking to my father tonight about a problem he is trying to solve in a group of psychologists. It seems that they have some wrong ideas about healing people and are causing a bit of harm along the way. They cannot see it and are offended that he would suggest their methods are off base…they feel judged.

The problem is one of Ego getting in the way of correction. It is “wounding” to hear that they are not correct in their methods—he should not judge their techniques—after all they have signed on to a very popular program…the problem is, none of them have the ability to discern that their perspective is warped by their desire to be right. Whenever ego gets in the way of being corrected it is an indicator that the ego does not really know who it is—this is to say that if you must be right, you are placing your sense of self-worth in your knowledge and accomplishment and not in your intrinsic self.

In a recent discussion of Christianity where I was postulating that there is such a thing as a true Christian--someone who actually believes and acts as they espouse (the same could be said of any religion-where the actions lived match the stated conviction)--the response came back, “yes, but they are actually Buddhists”. I think this is probably true if you get right down to it. In all cases the ego is not in the way. Self has not been deprecated but has been identified as separate from ones circumstance and ability, be it spiritual or otherwise, and therefore has not been improperly raised to a hidden and unrealized glorification of self.

The correctable self is the stronger self. Correction is learning, not weakness.

The true value of self is not found in what is known or not known; it is not found in what is believed or not believed; it is not found in ability nor in talent. The true value of a being is found in full participation in, and of, life. Beyond the turning to that which is divine and the participation of spirit and soul, and perhaps even mind, in a greater collective it boils down to this: survival of self versus survival of all. The weaker of us strive for the former, but the true self recognizes that survival of self values more, even requires, the latter.

she's called the summer rain
in beauty she does rage
till come on autumn's wind
lays ice on branch to cold assuage

dormant lies the bud and bloom
soon enough their spring will rise
radiant sun sweet life exhume
pour your gold and winter lyse

now bring me summer's heat
with deep'ning green erstwhile
herein my cool retreat
returns my heart from hard exile

I walk barefoot through the field
Feeling the grass between my toes
As I walk alongside the gentle stream
I want to skip with you by my side
Listening, together, to the sound
Of eternity, this rippling brook,
And of birds.

Were all time laid out before me
I wonder if I might recognize
The things which,
When taken alone,
Seemed not so important
Or so very important,
To be but blades
which bend in the breeze;
And might the tiny moments
(I took them for mere buds while racing along)
Have been the sprouting of acorns
Now forests grown and shelter
For song, bird,
Or perhaps, even,
A silver flower?

Might the minutes gone be reclaimed?
Some beautiful flicker of light?
A glint off the eye of God
Giving meaning to my loss?
And the coin, which I carelessly spent, comes again?
Here do I rejoice
Not as a pauper, not as a vagabond,
But as a wanderer, once lost, finally home.